Believe you are worthy of love
It seems counterintuitive to think we may not believe we deserve love! However, most people walking around today have that belief residing way down in the recesses of their subconscious. When we have a core belief that we do not deserve love we will find our selves unable to attract a partner, or we will find ourselves in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable, or that don’t treat us respectfully.
To know if you have this as a core belief, sit quietly with no distractions and ask your self “Do I deserve love?”
The first, immediate, sometimes softest answer is your truth.
When it is an answer I don’t like, I say, “that can’t be true, no way” and wait for an answer I like. Even when I play these games with myself I always end up back at the truth, so save your self some time and accept the first answer even if it is unpleasant.
If your first, immediate answer is “no”, then you have gotten to the core of why your relationships are not working. Congratulations!
If we are raised with abandonment, shame, fear, or judgment we likely don’t believe we deserve love. Love is the brass ring so to speak and when we get the message that in some way we are not good enough, then we develop a belief that we are not lovable. We don’t deserve love.
To change this pattern, we must first learn to love ourselves.
There has been much written about how to do this so I will not go in to it here. Next, you have to be willing to open your heart, to truly be vulnerable, to be willing to be hurt, and to know that at some point the relationship will end. This last one gets a lot of people who tell me they don’t ever want it to end. Life is not a fairy tale. All relationships end at some point, the only question is when and how. Will it be next week through cheating or 100 years from now in a deathbed scene? Knowing that there is an ending helps us to not cling to the person, which will smother a relationship to death.
Finally, routinely tell yourself that you are worthy of unconditional love.
Some people call it developing a mantra but I don’t think it needs to be that formal. Replace the mindless chatter that goes through your head with “I am a person of value and deserve to be loved unconditionally” or “I am worthy and deserving of love”. Say it over and over. Within a few days you will see and feel a difference.
A word of caution, if you skip the first and second step you will still attract unfulfilling relationships. True love doesn’t come from the outside in; it is from the inside out. Infatuation comes from the outside in and doesn’t last. And if you don’t open your heart to hurt, your heart will not be open to pleasure.
I hope this helps, good luck!
Cynthia Pickett, LCSW