Q. I’ve been involved in a long distance relationship with my current boyfriend for 5 months, the crazy thing is that we’ll be meeting each other for the FIRST time in 2 weeks which I’m excited about. But my friend and I have become rather close over the past month. Ever since I feel like my long distance relationship with my bf is dying, our conversations are boring and sometimes feels forced there are often moments of awkward silence where we just look at each other (via Skype) with nothing much to talk about . At this point it feels like I’m just going through the motions. I’ve become easily agitated about the things I once found cute/interesting about him. I know it’s because of my friend and the strong feelings I’ve developed for him. I just feel that my friend gets me more and we’re passionate about the same things, I can be completely vulnerable around him; I’ve actually told him things about me that no one knows, even my current bf. There’s just something about him that feels right.
But there’s a twist… The friend that I fell in love with recently got out of a bad relationship and he said he’s not looking for a relationship at this moment. I know the logical thing is to move on from him, but I can’t . There’s a part of me that thinks I can make him change his mind, or maybe if I stick around he’ll want to take things further when he’s ready to. He did show that he was attracted/ interested in me he said he likes me and even said he has this urge to kiss me. Sometimes when walking together he’d put his arm around my waist to pull me closer. And I almost always catch him glancing at my lips.
I’m completely torn. I don’t want to regret leaving my current boyfriend because he’s perfect and he’s practically obsessed with me, I’ve never received such love and adoration from a guy, he even brought up the idea of us getting married and he’s constantly talking about a future with us. I’m confused should I stay with him, and if so how do I bring life back into our relationship or should I see how things go with my friend? How do I get out of the friend zone and how can I make him comfortable enough to want to commit to a relationship with me?
It’s so hard to move on from my friend, just knowing that someone else exists that’s completely in sync with me is hard to forget, I think I’ve fallen in love with him .
Maybe it’s because my friend came along at a point when I was emotionally vulnerable, he gave me what I was lacking from my long distance boyfriend. I hate this feeling of not being in control, it’s like my friend is giving me just enough to keep me hooked.
I know this is a lot to read and a lot to take in but thank you so much for your time !
A. The first thing that stands out is that you are trying to choose between two men who are not right for you.
– Why do you have to choose either one?
– Are you afraid to be alone?
The relationship with your boyfriend has very clearly run its course. You are so focused on how much he adores you that you are not seeing that you do not adore him. Once an infatuation runs its course there is no going back. You can’t revive it as it was based on how he makes you feel rather than who he is as a person. When the intensity of the feeling subsides and you start to see who the person really is, that’s when we know if we are going forward or not. Since he is on your nerves and it is feeling awkward, it is time to move on. So let him down gently and move on. Your own feelings, or lack thereof, are telling you this is the direction to go.
As for your friend, you can’t coax or convince anyone it is time for him to get into a relationship. If you convince him, this on will probably be a shorter relationship than the last because it will be a rebound for both of you.
Here’s my best advice for you.
You seem very focused on how much these men adore you and how loved you feel. It seems as if you are young in age and if not there is an emotional immaturity that needs to be addressed before getting in to more relationships. How people make you feel is the basis for infatuation not love. I strongly suggest you take time away from men and start to fill yourself up with self-love. Bring into your life, all by yourself, all the feelings you get from men. Take at least six months off from dating. If that seems like a lot of time, that indicates how needy and codependent you actually are. While you are in that place, you will never find the long lasting love you are seeking.
We learn to love ourselves by nurturing and developing an intimate relationship from within. Since your friend is male, I am wondering if you get along better with men than women. Since you are a woman that is telling. Learn to develop deep meaningful relationships with females.
Do the special things that you would do for a man but only for yourself. Fix yourself a special candle lit dinner; wear your fancy underwear just for yourself. Get it? Also, take the time to explore, release and heal the baggage that created this neediness in the first place. It will take time to cultivate a healthy relationship with you so give it six months if not a year. At the end of a year you will be in a much healthier place to be making relationship decisions. Good luck!
Cynthia Pickett, LCSW